Saturday, August 16, 2008

Radiohead Sucks

Let me be the first to say it.  I've been watching them on MHD for the last 45 minutes, and I was trying really hard to get it.  I hated the first song, and I stuck with it for the next 40 minutes just to make sure I didn't catch one bad tune.

Alas, things have devolved into a repetitive drone of reverb and synthesized angst.  If you gave me a mix board and a few hours, I could hammer out a Radiohead tune myself, following this handy reference guide.

1. Begin with muted, simple drum line at a club beat.
2. Have one of the depressed looking B-level Radiohead's introduce an overly modulated "whine line" on the guitar and/or synthesizer (they're so talented, they can play either one!).  This "whine line" is the result of knowing just enough about electric guitars to be dangerous.  "Look Neville, this button makes it sound spooky."
3. A-level Radiohead person (you know, the Clay Aiken look-alike with the bad haircut) now introduces his repetitive rhythm guitar line that will stand in for a melody.
4. A-level Radiohead person now begins to "sing".  A-level Radiohead guy is quite earnest (this band is nothing if not earnest - scratch that, they are nothing but earnest).  Unfortunately, A-level Radiohead guy is a cross between the Coldplay guy and Bob Dylan, only with the worst qualities of both.  So we have a snivelly and unintelligible series of moans emerging from A-level Radiohead guy for the next 2:30 of the song.
5. One of the B-level Radiohead guys (maybe the dark haired mop top, or the brown haired mop-top, or that other guy) now spends some time adjusting knobs on his amp, or perhaps pressing keys on a synthesizer.  From all I can tell, these guys are recording their own farts and playing them back in slow-motion.
6. Repeat step 5, only substitute different B-level Radiohead guy.
7. STOP.  Let whiny A-level guy moan in isolation.
8. Return to techno beat and feedback. 
9. Fade to crap.

These guys have sold a lot of records (or at least a lot of people have downloaded their records).  My guess is that a true survey of Radiohead album owners would reveal that a good 80% of them bought it because "my buddy who's really into music turned me onto them."  And honestly, they don't get it.  Radiohead is the Velvet Underground of the 2000's.  You know you're supposed to like them, but it is frustrating that they persist in sucking so much that this becomes difficult. 

Interestingly, right after Radiohead ran out of konbs to play with, an R.E.M. video came on.  It's a recent song, one I'm not familiar with.  It's good.  My guess is that if  I gave A-level Radiohead guy the next 300 years, he couldn't cough up one song equal to what Michael Stipe shits out the morning after a double-bean burrito.   And I'm not necessarily a big R.E.M. fan - I'm just saying.

1 comment:

David S said...

Radiohead sucks. i'm so glad i'm not the only one that thinks this.