Tuesday, September 2, 2008

She's, like, soooo intellectually vacuous

So I was playing with Abby this weekend, and this involved a lot of dressing and undressing Barbie dolls. I will give you all a moment to cackle evilly at my complete emasculation. Go ahead, it's okay, I'm fine with it now.


Okay, so everyone knows that Barbie possesses a frame that would be structurally impossible for a real person to emulate. One noticeable feature is that her ankles and feet are impossibly small. It would be like trying to drive a Suburban on a set of bicycle tires - they couldn't take the load.

Aside from the freakishly slender ankles and the impossibly long legs, though, the thing I found most disturbing about the Barbies was the congenital head tilt they all had. If you pick you up, the head droops ever so slightly to one side or the other. Not backwards, not frontwards, sideways.

This gives Barbie an eternal expression of air-headedness. This is the same pose taken by every over-makeuped giggle slut I have ever met, whether they were found at the bar, the fraternity party, the mall, or the pick-up line at the pre-school. It's an expression of complete intellectual submission, and I want to punch everyone who appears this stupid.

You can just hear Barbie telling Ken, "Wow, that's soooo interesting. You must be very successful. I can barely remember to pay my Abercrombie and Fitch credit card on time. Hey, did I hear you say you had tickets to the Matchbox 20 concert?"

I can only imagine that this happens to women who've been lobotomized in some manner. Their brain must only occupy a fraction of the volume inside their skull, and they have no counter-weight to keep their head upright. Or is this some kind of optimal re-fueling stance to get the air back into their head?

I'm trying to figure out how I can drive some screws through each Barbies head to fix it in an upright position, just in case the girls decide that because they can't look like Barbie, maybe they'll act like Barbie.


Anonymous said...

Why don't you just cut all their toes off like you did to your sister's Barbies? She'll tip over, smash her head, and you won't have to worry about the head tilt.

This must be a new feature as my Barbies all had heads that were upright. The US government terrorist detector is probably mounted incorrectly inside the plastic.

Aunt Siggy

Diane Vollrath said...

Sounds like you have learned to have fun even playing with girl stuff...it is very hard for me to understand any girl wanting to "be" Barbie. She is soooooo dumb. That being said, it is hard for me to believe the girls like Barbie with you guys as parents. Where did you go wrong? It can't be genetics. Love MOM