Monday, March 10, 2008

New Sins

Hot dog, more ways to condemn yourself to hell. The Pope has "updated" the seven deadly sins to include a few more ways to feel lousy about yourself. Priests should take account of “new sins which have appeared on the horizon of humanity as a corollary of the unstoppable process of globalisation”. As if lead-laced plastic toys weren't enough. (And if globalization is unstoppable, then doesn't it mean that these sins are unstoppable? And wouldn't that mean that we can't be saved? So why is there a Pope?)

The new mortal sins include
a) carrying out morally debatable scientific experiments (so it doesn't have to be immoral, it just has to be morally debatable? As long as one person objects, it's a sin?)
b) Ruining the environment (I said three Hail Mary's after putting my Fresca can in the trash today)
c) genetic manipulation of human embryos or DNA
d) taking or dealing drugs (but liqour? Well, don't worry about that)
e) social injustice that causes poverty or the excessive accumulation of wealth by a few (such as, for instance, Popes who live in their own private country surrounded by the most fantastic collection of rare art and priceless volumes of ancient learning? Honestly, what would do more for social justice - telling rich people they are going to hell, or liquidating the Vatican's treasure room and using it to fund malaria vaccinations and clean water systems for African villagers?)

Just to make sure everyone is up to date, let's review our original seven deadly sins (which contrary to popular belief were not invented by Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman) and their attendant punishments:
1) Pride - broken on a wheel
2) Envy - put in freezing water
3) Gluttony - forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
4) Lust - smothered in fire and brimstone
5) Anger - dismembered alive
6) Greed - put in cauldron of boiling oil
7) Sloth - Thrown in a snake pit

One question arises from this list is whether the punishments are concurrent. For instance, if I am both gluttonous and greedy, will I be thrown in a cauldron of boiling oil with rats, toads, and snakes and then have to eat them? Because it may be possible that fried rat, toad, and/or snake is quite tasty. Just saying.

1 comment:

David said...

ROFL. this is one of my favorite posts of yours, cuz!