Tuesday, April 15, 2008


So Esquire magazine has a list of 75 things a man should know how to do. I thought I'd take a crack and see how I stand up:

1) Give advice that matters in one sentence. (Yes - "Don't let magazines dictate your life")
2) Tell if someone is lying. (No. Or was that a lie? Hmmmm..)
3) Take a photo. (No. I'm terrible at taking, and being in, photos)
4) Score a baseball game. (Yes.)
5) Name a book that matters. (Yes. Ender's Game and The Coming of the Third Reich)
6) Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. (Yes. Ben Folds)
7) Cook meat somewhere other than a grill. (Yes.)
8) Not monopolize the conversation. (No - did I tell you about how bad I am at this?)
9) Write a letter. (No.)
10) Buy a suit. (Yes-ish. If I take Kirstin with me.)
11) Swim three different strokes. (No - Abby is already a stronger swimmer than I am.)
12) Show respect without being a suck-up. (Yes? Was that right? Did you like the answer?)
13) Throw a punch. (No.)
14) Chop down a tree. (Yes - it was a long time ago, but I've done it.)
15) Calculate square footage. (Seriously? This has to be on the list? Is this hard for people?)
16) Tie a bow tie. (No. Clip-on, baby.)
17) Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (Yes. I make a great bloody mary.)
18) Speak a foreign language. (No.)
19) Approach a woman out of his league. (I married Kirstin, didn't I? See #12)
20) Sew a button. (Probably not.)
21) Argue with a European w/o getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (Yes.)
22) Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it. (##############)
23) Be loyal. (I hope.)
24) Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (Yes. Absolut and tonic, tall.)
25) Drive an eight-penny nail into a treated 2x4 without thinking about it. (Yes.)
26) Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (Probably not.)
27) Play gin with an old guy. (Yes - if you allow Grandma to stand in for the old guy.)
28) Play go fish with a kid. (Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Dear God let it end, Yes.)
29) Understand quantam physics enough to accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass through the table when dropped. (Yes - but you aren't surprised by that, are you?)
30) Feign interest. (With the best of them.)
31) Make a bed. (Me: Yes. Kirstin: No.)
32) Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. (Yes. "It's good.")
33) Hit a jump shot in pool. (Maybe.)
34) Dress a wound. (Yes - but only with Princess band-aids.)
35) Jump start a car, change a flat tire, change the oil. (Yes. Yes. Yes.)
36) Make three different bets at a craps table. (Just three? Big Yes.)
37) Shuffle a deck of cards. (Yes.)
38) Tell a joke. (Yes. Make it funny? Maybe.)
39) Know when to split his cards at blackjack. (Yes.)
40) Speak to an 8-year old so they will hear. (I'll tell you in 4 years)
41) Speak to a waiter so he will hear. (Yes.)
42) Talk to a dog so he will hear. (Yes.)
43) Install: a disposal, a thermostat, or a light fixture w/o asking for help. (Yes.)
44) Ask for help. (On what?)
45) Break another man's grip on his wrist. (Better rule - know how to NOT get grabbed by other men.)
46) Tell a woman's dress size. (Yes. If she looks fat - say 6. If she doesn't look fat - say 2. Always works.)
47) Recite one poem from memory. (There once was a man from Nantucket....)
48) Remove a stain. (Yes. "That's alpaca - you gotta blot that shit!)
49) Say no. (Yes. I have two kids.)
50) Fry an egg sunny side up. (Yes.)
51) Build a campfire. (Maybe if you spot me a lighter.)
52) Step into a job no-one wants to do. (I'd have to think about that)
53) Sometimes kick some ass. (Literally or figuratively?)
54) Break up a fight. (What's with all the violence?)
55) Point to the north at any time. (Yes.)
56) Creat a playlist in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (Yes.)
57) Explain what a light year is. (Yeah, but do you know what a parsec is?)
58) Avoid boredom. (Umm, I guess.)
59) Write a thank-you note. (No.)
60) Be brand loyal to at least one product. (Diet Coke. Hienz ketchup. Johnsonville brats. The Packers.)
61) Cook bacon. (Duh.)
62) Deliver a eulogy. (Thankfully untested at this point.)
63) Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch (I think the author was getting punchy here.)
64) Throw a baseball overhand with some snap. (Yes.)
65) Throw a football with a spiral. (Yes - usually.)
66) Shoot a 12 foot jump shot reliably. (No - but I can snap a wrist shot and skate backwards.)
67) Find his way out of the woods if lost. (Seriously, what has happened to the author recently?)
68) Tie a knot. (Yes.)
69) Hold a baby. (They don't call me the sleep Nazi for nothing.)
70) Shake hands. (Yes.)
71) Iron a shirt. (It takes a while, but Yes.)
72) Stock an emergency bag for the car. (Isn't it more important to put it IN the car?)
73) Caress a woman's neck. (#################)
74) Know some birds. (Orioles, Blue Jays, and Cardinals. Are there other kinds?)
75) Negotiate a better price. (No.)

So, I'm not sure whether I'm uber-manly or not, but I think I ended up with more than half Yesses. I'm gonna go drink beer and punch someone.

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