Thursday, May 1, 2008

American Idol

Yeah, I watch. You got a problem with that?

So here's the lowdown:
1) David Archuleta - You know those crazy polygamist's that got raided in Texas and are now all over the Today show (and for all I know will have their own segment on Sportscenter any day now)? Well, this kid has got to be one of them, doesn't he? No 16 year old is so drippy. Honestly, who gets up and looks at themselves in the mirror and says, "You know what, I think my best bet is to become the male Celine Dion. People will respect that. Yeah. That is a good idea." (Insert about 17 "huh-huhs" in there to get his speech pattern down. It's like watching Beevis in slow motion.) PREDICTION: Final 2, because if there is anything you can take to the bank, it is that American has awful taste in music.

2) David the other one: You know, faux-hawk guy. The one who has morphed into some smirky version of everything that is rotten about Rob Thomas and Creed. He'll sell records, because you don't even need to run him through the Gold-o-nator record machine down at the studio - he already sounds like 99% of everything on the radio. Question: can you sell out if you never had any credibility to start with? PREDICTION: Winner, because while putting another stake into the heart of all that is good with music, he at least will never cover "Wind Beneath My Wings", and we all know Archuleta is dropping that bomb in the next 9 months.

3) Syesha Mercado - she's not that great, but I like her. Probably because she isn't so enamored of her own musical earnestness (see 1 and 2). They nailed it last night - she belongs on Broadway. I can absolutely see her being able to hold up a musical with sheer energy and charisma. No, it's not multi-platinum superstardom, but that's a solid B+ for a singer. PREDICTION: Gone next week.

4) Jason Castro. How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. 1) White guy dreds. Need I say more? 2) A voice that is the musical equivalent of mild salsa - it's more than just tomato pulp, but not much more. 3) The dreds, did I mention those? 4) The effortless delivery. I don't mean that as a compliment. I mean he actually exerts no effort. 5) Jack Johnson called - he'd like his entire persona back, with interest and penalties. 6) The smirk. I'm pretty sure it's because he's autistic and doesn't understand how to interact with other humans, but if it's real, then I'd be happy to put my foot through his teeth. PREDICTION: 3rd place - and then you will never hear from him again. Unless you locate that van Cheech and Chong were driving around in.

If you were a Michael Johns or Carly or Brooke fan, relax. Remember that for most people, NOT winning is probably the optimal outcome. If you win, you have to make your first album with Simon. God bless the man, but he has screwed every single winner with 12 tracks full of Light FM schlock that would make the Pope spin the iPod over to AC/DC.

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